Dear Lo,

I have been in a decent relationship with my boyfriend for 14 years. We have grown together and been able to communicate through our problems in most cases. However, over the past 3 years, I have noticed his mental health declining and he did not want to heal from his childhood traumas. His behavior toward me and our child changed. He seldom wanted to help with house projects, remodeling, or even family events. He missed birthdays, holidays, and had a general lack of emotional connection with me. His anger had really increased as well.

I decided to let him be him and slowly stopped inviting him to events, stopped begging him for attention and to spend time with us. I recently learned that when I backed away and "let him," it resulted in him having an eight-month affair. In addition, there were multiple other women as well. I had an affair when our daughter was 2 months old and swore it would never happen again (she is now 10). I'm completely devastated, sick to my stomach, broken, betrayed, and secretly a little relieved.

A week before I found out about the affair, I prayed that he would have an affair. It's horrible, but I needed something to push me to finally leave this man who was manipulating me for years. If he did have an affair, there would be absolutely NO WAY I would stay with him. For the last 2 months, he's torn up the house, threatened self-harm, and threatened that he would commit suicide if I leave. I have remained strong that we are not together because I am not emotionally safe with him.

One evening, I thought he had followed through and hurt himself. A day later, I woke to him sneaking into our room. I was so angry and so thankful that he was okay. I embraced him and allowed him to sleep in our bed. We embraced each other, talked, and cried for the entire day and night. I have asked him to leave again, but he doesn't want to.

I need him to go because I do not want our child to witness his temper tantrums or self-harm outbursts. When I ask him to leave, he literally has nowhere to go and threatens suicide. How do I stop caring for his emotional needs? I'm so tired and I just want to focus on our daughter and myself. I've never focused on myself before. I feel like I'm dying inside.

~Anonymous

Dear Lo,

I was hoping for your help in coming up with a mantra or phrase to keep my mind at peace. I am finally on the same page with my husband about our desire to have another child. We have been trying almost a year with no luck. Had no problems with my first pregnancy. I am dreading having a conversation about fertility treatments with him because I do not want to be heartbroken all over again. Sometimes I wonder if this is all meant to be? I had to be so persistent for him to agree to try to have another child, now I'm being tested again since it's not happening easily and I may need fertility treatment. I am trying to go with the flow and accept what is, but how can I not fight for what's important to me? I so appreciate your help and support. Trying to find a mantra of acceptance to keep my mind at ease, as it's hard for this not to be all consuming. 

~Anonymous

Question: Whenever I develop an emotional connection with a romantic person, I tend to feel anxiety with that connection. I irrationally fear that she could reject me without any reason to support that idea. As a result of this anxiety, I feel very much (irrationally) worried that she will reject me and walk away from me. If a rejection does occur, it's going to trigger an extreme depression and profound emotional pain that's almost unmanageable.

My therapist believes this could be because of rejection-sensitive dysphoria. I have a history of this happening to me before where a romantic person walks away from my life and every time it happens, it triggers an extreme sadness where I've cried so intensely and felt profoundly sad. Yes, I understand that rejection by a romantic person is possible and that it is always sad to experience, but in my particular case, it's not a sadness that I feel. It's an extreme depression that lasts way longer than it should and with very slow day-by-day improvement.

I need help with this. Why does this happen to me? What is the cause of it? How can I overcome it?

~Anonymous

Hi Lauren,

I loved your class on BH today. Thank you for all of the solutions.

Do you think being a "pursuer" in a pursue/withdraw dynamic with my husband is a type of codependency? I related to almost everything you shared today except that I am outspoken and easily make decisions, but still I over-sacrifice for my husband and then resent the lack of attention I get and the dismissal when I try to get seen.

~Anonymous

Dear Lo,

I've been with my boyfriend for 8+ years now. Several years ago while drinking with some friends, some inappropriate things happened with a close guy friend of mine. The feeling was quite different. It's hard to explain, but it didn't feel wrong. I have never cheated on my boyfriend before, and never talked/looked at another guy. After that night, my friend and I said it was clearly the biggest mistake since we were both in long-term relationships. We decided that we can no longer be friends or hang out by ourselves.

Long story short, we didn't keep that promise. In fact, we became much closer. We hung out alone, talked on the phone, became more comfortable physically. I HATE myself for it. Not to mention, I haven't been happy in my relationship for a few years now, but I can't let myself walk away because I genuinely don't believe I deserve to be happy. Our issues are more concrete and I don't think we have a future, but it's like I’m punishing myself for the mistakes I made and for the things I've done with this guy. I'm not sure what to do now since feelings are involved on both sides. I don't want the end result to be hurting and losing both of these guys. Thanks in advance for your feedback and advice.

~Anonymous

Dear Lo,

During childhood, my mom would purposely stonewall me whenever she was upset with me. If I failed to abide by her standards, expectations or rules, it usually resulted in stonewalling. She emotionally abandoned me as her way of basically saying "I don't want to talk to you or acknowledge you because you've upset me." She would purposely ignore my needs and emotions because I upset her. I would feel scared to tell her anything with the fear that she would either continue to ignore me or unintentionally anger her some more. "Ugh... WHAT!!" or ".......WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" would be her responses if I was lucky enough to her to say anything. I was scared to talk to her. There was really nothing I could to revert her back to normal other than just ride the tide and hope she'd revert back to normal, even if I was there crying my eyes out because I upset her or just wanted her attention again. She just didn't care because I upset her. She emotionally abandoned me because I depended on her for basic needs, hence, the likelihood of my survival was greatly at stake. Her love had to be earned back. How? By over-loving her. Sometimes it worked. Other times, it didn't. And if it didn't, it usually intensified the negative emotions. Her "love" was conditional. However, there were also times where I felt her love was unconditional. It was freely given to me and I didn't have to do anything to feel her love. I felt safe, loved and acknowledged. Cool! This inconsistency childhood love by my mom, however, has set me up for what I am experiencing today.

Dear Lo,

What advice do you have related to rejection from a grown child? My daughter and I have been estranged for 6 years. She tells me I was a bad mother and I was never there for her. I have a drained bank account and battle scars that tell a different story. I am codependent so her rejection is very painful. I truly enjoy your classes and I'm learning a lot about myself. Since I no longer cater to my daughters demands, I'm too angry for her to deal with so I've been written out of her life and she keeps my grandsons from me, whom I supported for the first years of their lives. My daughter remarried a wealthy man and no longer needs my bank account or me. Where did I go wrong? Thanks in advance for insight to my issue.

Dear Lo,

I feel so stuck. I fell for a man that I got to know online during Covid. It was the first time in about 20 years that I opened myself up to someone (having been in a violent relationship then in a relationship with a married man, both leaving me with a huge sense of shame and feeling unwanted). After we met in person, he went cold and then didn’t want to continue contact. After about 6 months, I got back in touch to “be friends,” but I think in hindsight I wanted to understand what went wrong and I thought that by getting to know him as a friend, somehow my questions would be answered. A better closure. Long story short, he was very attentive and sexual, making me think he was interested. Then 6 months later, he told me he was in a relationship. Two years in and we are still in touch and off/on with intimate contact. I feel disgusted with myself. Please help.

Dear Lo,

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply to my question (or two!).

My first question was a result of your webinar about people pleasing. You mentioned that we often get frustrated because we expect people to read our minds about our wants and wishes, but if we are always asking someone to do things that we would like, how do we know that they do them because they want to rather than being forced to do it?

Irrespective of people-pleasing, I have caught myself being codependent with my current partner of 7 years. Do you think that it is still possible to work on my codependency issues while being with him or do you think that it's not possible to do that and if I want to work on these issues I should end the relationship?

Thank you!

P.S. Your webinars are amazing and you are a great communicator!

Dear Lo,

I recently came across your webinar on codependency and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I loved your other webinars on perfectionism and people pleasing too. Thank you for doing the work you do and for showing up with so much enthusiasm and positivity. You're really helping a lot of us :)

I've (28/f) been in a relationship with my partner (31/m) for 2.5 years. He is a great person who is very kind and sensitive. I came to realize that I've been badly hurt in my past relationships and as a result, I carry trauma from that and from my childhood (the feeling of being unwanted). It is only recently that I'm coming to terms with it. I find it hard to communicate with my current partner because I don't know how much of it stems from my issues and how much of it is from our issues. I will also add that I felt mistrustful and maybe hold some resentment for being hurt in this relationship. Although I think a vast part of it is due to misunderstandings and my own codependency. I would like to feel more comfortable communicating and feel more intimate. But I also have my own journey to make, one which involves believing in my self-worth first. Would you have some advice for me? Thank you!

Dear Lo,

First, I want to start off by expressing how much I enjoy your resources and tell you how much they have helped me. I had a situation with a mental health therapist that just made me wonder and question why people do what they do.

I had a therapist who I had been seeing for almost two years. I thought we had a good therapeutic relationship. I trusted her. We had been talking about ending the therapeutic relationship because it was time. She assured me that she would give plenty of notice and that she would never just abruptly discontinue our therapy. She knew that I had an extremely hard time with loss because we discussed that topic many times.

Just a few weeks ago, one of my little pets passed away, and her cage mate was having major surgery. My therapist and I sent some messages to each other that were not healthy, but I still wanted to communicate. Then our beautiful foster dog went to her new home.

Dear Lo,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months and I have never been happier. He genuinely treats me right and makes me feel so loved. We met online and live about 14 hours away from each other so the only time we’ve seen each other is when he flew here for my graduation. The original plan was for him to stay for a week and then go home and get a job. He stayed for the whole month of June and it was honestly the best month of this year. But after he left, I cried a lot and missed him. After a couple days, I realized I was feeling very anxious and I wasn’t sure why. I did some research and figured out that I had separation anxiety. I believe I’ve had undiagnosed separation anxiety since I was in 7th grade, but I had it towards my house/my mom. Now I think I developed it with my boyfriend because we got much closer while he was here. I find myself anxious everyday, and my boyfriend has mentioned that he doesn’t know what to do. It’s hard for him because he just wants to make me happy.

We’re taking a break from talking right now while I get my life together, but I don’t know what to do. I signed up for therapy and my first appointment is on Thursday. I journal, meditate, and I take care of myself to the best of my ability. I don’t know what else to do to minimize the anxiety and I don’t know how to reassure him that I’ll be okay. I’ve also been thinking about texting him and checking in on him, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea because we’re taking a break. I don’t know how long we’re taking a break either. I was alone with myself for about two years, and in those years, I dealt with anxiety from moving to a new house, and I got to know myself a lot better and found joy in my life that didn’t involve someone else. I don’t know why I suddenly feel anxious without him, but it’s really hard and sometimes it feels like I won’t get through it. I really don’t know what to do and I don’t want to lose him.

Dear Lo,

I have been in a relationship for almost a year, and we are engaged to be married. I think he is a great partner in many ways: he spoils me, takes care of me, and covers all the finances as I am completing a program for another year. I have a great relationship with his family and parents. All in all, I am happy.

But there are things that I am a little worried about that I wanted to get your feedback on. Several times he has mentioned that I am super confident and it makes him insecure. We talked through and resolved it as we usually do. But I have noticed that he is flattered when he gets attention from women of all kinds. He accepts it when they flirt or when a work-related contact constantly messages and calls him day and night. I also noticed his unusual attitude towards one of his female friends who is married. When I raised my concerns, he said he has stopped collaborating with the coworker and reduced communication with the married female friend.

About 6 months ago, I found a box of condoms when cleaning our bedroom. It is a type we never use, and the last box we bought together was still there. When I asked, he said it was an old box, and I didn’t mention it again. Lately I noticed that he imitates having sex in his sleep quite frequently, but doesn’t initiate sex with me. I am 20 weeks pregnant, but I haven’t had any complications. He is very caring, we cuddle a lot, and he doesn't go to bed without me. And last night I woke up because he was being very noisy in his sleep, imitating having sex in his dreams again. It seemed very different than what it’s like when we have sex together. And then I came home earlier than him today and out of curiosity, checked the box of condoms. The one that had different condoms than we use is now empty. We have been living together and he has not spent the night elsewhere, but I have been away for a couple days. What do you think? Thank you so much in advance for answering my question.

Dear Lo,

I’ve been in a relationship with the same person off-and-on for the past 3 years now. Throughout our time together, there have been 3 times that he emotionally cheated on me, which really hurt my trust and self-esteem. Also in the beginning, things were perfect and then over time, he slowly started doing less and less. He wouldn’t treat me poorly, just not as good as before. I felt needy and ungrateful for being upset by this change.

We broke up for a bit last year and then got back together this January. He’s someone who has worked hard to re-gain my trust and build back with me. But he’s slowly stopped doing the same things as before like bringing me little surprises and writing me long good morning texts. We work together and it gets hard because I see him talking to our other girl coworkers and this really makes me angry. I tried talking to him about that, but he’s someone who is outgoing and likes to talk to others so he doesn’t want to stray from his morals. I just want to be able to deal with all of this in a healthy way that isn’t taking it out on him or controlling him.

I get really anxious that he’ll get feelings for someone else again or that he’s never going to treat me like he did in the beginning. It makes me put him first before myself to the point where I basically only live for him. When I get anxious, I feel crippled - I can’t eat or get out of my room or do anything for myself. I’s frustrating and makes me feel so bad about myself. He’s doing his best to meet all my needs, but I can tell it’s starting to drain him and it’s making me panic. I feel like I am not enough and that I have to be perfect. I feel like I just want to fix and control and perfect our relationship all the time. Everything makes me anxious and I just want to be happy and mentally healthy. I don’t know how to cope and I don’t know what to do.

Dear Lo,

I want to start off by saying that I attended one of your webinars on codependency and it was a breath of fresh air. I recently had a huge heart-to-heart with my partner regarding how they think my mental state in this relationship is unhealthy…which hurts, obviously. I know that I do not have the healthy mindset and emotional awareness that my partner has, which he has worked on through his own journey. He said we are in two different spots, but there is always room for growth, right? He wants me to be my best self, love me for me, communicate my feelings more, and be more vulnerable. I spoke with my therapist regarding the antidepressant I am on, and how I feel like I am "blocked" 95% of the time regarding my emotions and reactions, which is very frustrating. I am still raw from this conversation with him. I don't want him to have resentment toward me and how I am trying to grow on my journey and take the necessary steps. I am worried that he won't see the effort. He wants me to be happy and express my needs and wants, but I am afraid he'll get tired of waiting for me to become "healthy" in my journey. How do I cope with these anxieties?

Dear Lo,

I just went through a break-up with my boyfriend that left me feeling blindsided. From the moment we met, we both felt a strong connection and we both knew that we were dating with the intention of getting married. We were together for a year and a half, and in that time, we spent almost every day together. He was living with me, and we started to build a life together. He changed careers so that he could have more time for us, we traveled, and started making long-term plans. I always felt that we had such a strong and loving relationship, and I felt like we both put a lot of effort into the relationship. Over this time, we had a handful of arguments where I got very mad, but he didn’t. Generally, I’m a much more emotional person than he is, and I even expressed to him at times that I wanted him to open up more. After the arguments, we talked about it, I apologized, and he always assured me that we were fine.

About 2 months passed after the last argument we had, and everything seemed great. We spent the holidays together and even vacationed out of the country with our families. But then last month, he suddenly asked me for space, saying that the arguments from the past hurt him and he couldn’t get past them. I felt blindsided and hurt because I had no idea he felt like this, and I told him that he should have talked to me about how he was really feeling. Still, I heard what he had to say, I apologized for hurting him, and we discussed what we could do to fix this issue. Things felt like they went back to normal and we both said we felt better after talking. However, a couple of weeks later, I went away for the weekend, and when I came back home, he had packed all of his things and told me he was breaking up with me because those arguments hurt him, and he was upset that I never brought up his request again for space. However, I know that I had suggested several ways that he could get some space from me if he felt he needed it, and I asked him multiple times to let me know how he was feeling. He said that each of these arguments left him feeling like a piece of him was gone and I had insecurities I needed to work through. I again told him that he should have talked to me, but he thinks that because I felt guilty for those arguments that that should have prompted me to bring it up and talk to him about them.

I truly had no idea that he felt like this, and it hurts me that he would think I would ever purposely ignore or dismiss his feelings. He also said multiple times during the breakup how much he loved me, and because of that, he brushed these arguments under the rug. But now I’m left feeling so guilty, wishing that I would have never gotten mad in the first place. I feel like everything is my fault although I feel that I always tried my best to be the best girlfriend I could be. With everything that we had been through together, I truly felt that we had a stronger relationship than this and that he would be able to see that our relationship was mostly happy and good, aside from these arguments. Was this all my fault? Should I feel this guilty?

Hi Lo,

I am a people-pleaser with those with whom I share an emotional connection with, especially romantic interests. Any kind of conflict with someone I'm emotionally connected to will lead to abandonment anxiety. So I need to be a people-pleaser to not only avoid her possibly departing out of my life, but also so that she can see me as perfect and someone she'd want in her life. If I'm not perfect in her eyes, she probably won't want me.

I really need help overcoming this so that I'm able to establish a healthy relationship without any abandonment anxiety, without being a people-pleaser, and with healthy boundaries. I have my therapist helping me through this as well, which I'm very thankful for. And I watched your presentation on Better Help on this topic. Thank you!

~Gabriel

In the past, I spent a lot of time dwelling on what I wished could be and how I thought things should be. In struggling to acknowledge and accept what is, I often sacrificed my peace and presence in favor of resistance and future-tripping. The most obvious example came in my relationships with others. I often saw the potential in a person or situation, choosing to focus on how things could change for the better. While being forward-thinking can be beneficial in some ways, it also prevents us from realizing the truth of what is currently in front of us. I gave away a lot of my power because I was trying to control things that I could not.

Explore the ways in which your relationship expectations may be leading you to feel hurt, stuck, angry, and resentful. And discover how to manage your expectations to create satisfying, fulfilling relationships with others in all parts of life. Read on for more details!