Question:
Dear Lo,
I just went through a break-up with my boyfriend that left me feeling blindsided. From the moment we met, we both felt a strong connection and we both knew that we were dating with the intention of getting married. We were together for a year and a half, and in that time, we spent almost every day together. He was living with me, and we started to build a life together. He changed careers so that he could have more time for us, we traveled, and started making long-term plans. I always felt that we had such a strong and loving relationship, and I felt like we both put a lot of effort into the relationship. Over this time, we had a handful of arguments where I got very mad, but he didn’t. Generally, I’m a much more emotional person than he is, and I even expressed to him at times that I wanted him to open up more. After the arguments, we talked about it, I apologized, and he always assured me that we were fine.
About 2 months passed after the last argument we had, and everything seemed great. We spent the holidays together and even vacationed out of the country with our families. But then last month, he suddenly asked me for space, saying that the arguments from the past hurt him and he couldn’t get past them. I felt blindsided and hurt because I had no idea he felt like this, and I told him that he should have talked to me about how he was really feeling. Still, I heard what he had to say, I apologized for hurting him, and we discussed what we could do to fix this issue. Things felt like they went back to normal and we both said we felt better after talking. However, a couple of weeks later, I went away for the weekend, and when I came back home, he had packed all of his things and told me he was breaking up with me because those arguments hurt him, and he was upset that I never brought up his request again for space. However, I know that I had suggested several ways that he could get some space from me if he felt he needed it, and I asked him multiple times to let me know how he was feeling. He said that each of these arguments left him feeling like a piece of him was gone and I had insecurities I needed to work through. I again told him that he should have talked to me, but he thinks that because I felt guilty for those arguments that that should have prompted me to bring it up and talk to him about them.
I truly had no idea that he felt like this, and it hurts me that he would think I would ever purposely ignore or dismiss his feelings. He also said multiple times during the breakup how much he loved me, and because of that, he brushed these arguments under the rug. But now I’m left feeling so guilty, wishing that I would have never gotten mad in the first place. I feel like everything is my fault although I feel that I always tried my best to be the best girlfriend I could be. With everything that we had been through together, I truly felt that we had a stronger relationship than this and that he would be able to see that our relationship was mostly happy and good, aside from these arguments. Was this all my fault? Should I feel this guilty?
~Samantha
Answer:
Dear Samantha,
I am sorry to hear about the end of your relationship, and I can see why you are struggling as you reflect back on all that has taken place. It seems as though you were truly shocked by your boyfriend’s decision to leave, especially because you saw a long-term future with him. Feeling sad, disappointed, confused, frustrated, and even guilty are all common, expected reactions when grieving the end of a relationship, especially when it wasn’t your choice. I would encourage you to allow yourself to feel ALL of these emotions as they arise, sitting with them and releasing them in order to move through to the other side. Set aside time daily to check in with yourself, identify your feelings, and show yourself compassion. There is no timeline for grief, and it often comes in waves of varying intensity. Be patient, gentle, and kind to yourself during this transition.
As far as evaluating your part in the relationship, it can be beneficial to consider both what you want to work on moving forward AND what you did well. What made you proud? What do you not want to repeat? Also identify what you would have liked to be different in the relationship. Were all of your wants and needs met? What was missing? None of us is perfect, and relationships are one way that we are challenged to grow and evolve as individuals. It takes both people to either make or break a relationship so I’m sure there are things that both of you could have done differently. Reflect on what you learned about yourself in the relationship - your dealbreakers and non-negotiables within a partnership. Consider ways in which you can practice expressing your emotions and communicating your needs in an honest, clear, and respectful way. If your ex shared concrete examples of things that hurt him, reflect on how you could approach those situations differently in the future. Processing and evaluating the relationship is different than beating yourself up, shaming, and blaming yourself. Guilt does not serve us because it holds us back and keeps us stuck. We never learn and grow from harshly critiquing ourselves because it makes us feel small and unlovable. Notice when your inner critic shows up and give yourself love and compassion instead. You did the absolute best that you could in that relationship, which means you have no need for shame. We can learn from our mistakes without beating ourselves up, which is the goal.
Lastly, I would encourage you to take this time by yourself to heal and re-connect with your identity. Consider all the roles that you play outside of being in a romantic relationship. Nurture your connections with family, friends, coworkers, etc. Remember that when you focus on finding joy and feeling good about yourself, you will eventually attract the next right person for you. Consider what makes you feel loved - what activities, people, settings, etc. Love and connection can exist in some many forms, and you deserve to take advantage of all of them. Maybe you dive back into a hobby or interest that you gave up. Or possibly that you decide to try something new! Trust that you will feel better in time, and there are wonderful things ahead for you on this journey of life. I wish you all the best!
