I am a people-pleaser with those with whom I share an emotional connection with, especially romantic interests. Any kind of conflict with someone I'm emotionally connected to will lead to abandonment anxiety. So I need to be a people-pleaser to not only avoid her possibly departing out of my life, but also so that she can see me as perfect and someone she'd want in her life. If I'm not perfect in her eyes, she probably won't want me.
I really need help overcoming this so that I'm able to establish a healthy relationship without any abandonment anxiety, without being a people-pleaser, and with healthy boundaries. I have my therapist helping me through this as well, which I'm very thankful for. And I watched your presentation on Better Help on this topic. Thank you!
~Gabriel
Answer:
Dear Gabriel,
I really appreciate your honesty and self-awareness as you describe your tendency to people please, avoid conflict, and strive for perfection to earn love, acceptance, and approval from your romantic partner. It makes a lot of sense that if you fear being criticized, rejected, and abandoned by someone you love, you would do anything to avoid that scary and uncomfortable outcome. The unfortunate truth is that EVEN IF you do everything that person wants all the time, she could still decide for any reason to end the relationship. There is no guarantee that someone whom we love will remain in our lives permanently. Additionally, when we become a chameleon who transforms into whatever the other person wants or expects, we may gain temporary acceptance, but the relationship never fully develops because we don’t allow the person to get to know the real us. It is nearly impossible to have a genuine, deep relationship of any kind when we avoid conflict, always agree, and never reveal our true feelings and opinions. It is unfair and dishonest to our partner when we wear a mask, and it causes us to question whether their love for us is real.
When you mention abandonment anxiety, I encourage you to consider what happened in your childhood that caused you to fear being alone. An anxious attachment style is often at the root of a fear of being criticized, rejected, or abandoned. Anxious attachments generally stem from an inconsistency in our caregiver’s ability to meet our emotional needs. Sometimes this occurs when the caregiver’s own mental health challenges prevent them from responding in a calm, reassuring manner toward us. It can also take place when a caregiver overfunctions for their child, solving all of their problems for them and preventing them from experiencing any discomfort. If you’re interested in learning more about attachment styles, I would recommend the book called “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Working toward a secure attachment will allow you to feel comfortable being yourself without fear of being disliked, criticized, or rejected.
I also believe that you could benefit from inner child healing work and reparenting. These techniques allow us to heal from childhood wounds and provide ourselves with the unmet emotional needs from our past. As you identify the times in your childhood when you didn’t feel seen, heard, understood, and accepted by others, you can learn to act as your own loving parent and show up for your younger self with love and compassion. Once you truly believe that you are worthy, whole, and complete EXACTLY as you are right now, it will help you to set boundaries and reveal your authentic self to others. You will realize that if your partner truly cares about you, she will want you to speak up and share your feelings, wants, and needs. And if you lose someone in your life because you set a boundary, that person does not deserve to be in your life. You will be sad, disappointed, and maybe even angry as the end of any relationship involves a grieving process. But you will be okay, and a breakup does not mean that you are unworthy or unlovable. When a relationship ends, it allows us to find other people who will love, respect, and honor the real us. Your worth and value is not dependent on being in a relationship, pleasing others, or avoiding conflict. You were born inherently worthy and lovable just as you are.
For more information on inner child work, speak with your therapist and/or check out my workshop, slide deck, and meditation in my store. I think it is wonderful that you are working individually with a therapist because support is very helpful in the healing process. I hope this information is helpful! Please be kind and gentle to yourself on your healing journey as it takes time to develop a sense of self-trust and security in being your awesome self. Borrow my faith in you if you struggle to believe change is possible. You can do this!
