Question:
Dear Lo,
This is the second time I'm coming back here. Thank you so much for being a help <3. I'm a fearful avoidant with more anxious tendencies and my boyfriend is dismissive avoidant. Recently, I broke up with him after 3.5 years together because I felt that I couldn't get through to him and he couldn't see my pain and hurt. Since then, he realized that he was indeed afraid of being abandoned and acted distant. While I am happy that he had this realization, I'm not sure whether to get back together with him. I don't trust that it will work out long-term, and I don't feel capable of being there for him while he heals himself slowly. I have a lot of healing to do right now and I don't think he can support my needs. However, I am guilty about this because I feel like I'm abandoning him. What would you suggest?
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you so much for reaching back out for support! I can certainly understand how challenging it is to decide whether to get back together with your boyfriend, especially after 3.5 years together. It is clear that you love him and want the best for him. From what you shared, it sounds like you know the answer that is best for you despite it being a difficult one. If you don't feel confident in a long-term future with this person, do not have the capacity to support him as he works through his struggles, and feel he cannot meet your needs at this time, those are all important reasons to honor your decision to remain broken up. I love that you spoke up for what you needed and took care of yourself by leaving when he was unable to meet your needs. That is such a brave decision and one that you should be proud of!
As an adult, it is your job to take care of yourself, make decisions that feel right in your gut, and honor your wants, needs, and feelings. It is also your ex-boyfriend's responsibility to do those same things for himself. You can love him and want the best for him while still knowing that you cannot be together at this time. Often when one or both partners have a lot of deep healing work to do, they find that being single for a period of time gives them the best opportunity to focus on themselves, do the hard work, and see success. If, after a period of time, both of you are in a more stable, healthy, and healed place, you could certainly re-visit the idea of a relationship (so you don't have to close the door forever). All that being said, please know that the right decision can still be really hard, scary, and painful at times. It is normal to feel guilty and worry about your ex-boyfriend because he is an important person in your life and you care for him.
You are not abandoning him by making the decision that is best for you. You are being honest, open, and clear about how you are choosing to take care of yourself. And you are giving him the time and space to take care of himself in the ways that he needs. Everyone's healing journey is different and we all are on our own timeline. You can't do the work for him, and it is kind to empower him and trust that he will be okay. It is normal to grieve the ending of a relationship even when you made the decision to walk away. Give yourself the time to feel your emotions, work through the pain, and show yourself love and compassion along the way. You can do this! Sending you so much love and best wishes.
