Dear Lo,

I have been in a decent relationship with my boyfriend for 14 years. We have grown together and been able to communicate through our problems in most cases. However, over the past 3 years, I have noticed his mental health declining and he did not want to heal from his childhood traumas. His behavior toward me and our child changed. He seldom wanted to help with house projects, remodeling, or even family events. He missed birthdays, holidays, and had a general lack of emotional connection with me. His anger had really increased as well.

I decided to let him be him and slowly stopped inviting him to events, stopped begging him for attention and to spend time with us. I recently learned that when I backed away and "let him," it resulted in him having an eight-month affair. In addition, there were multiple other women as well. I had an affair when our daughter was 2 months old and swore it would never happen again (she is now 10). I'm completely devastated, sick to my stomach, broken, betrayed, and secretly a little relieved.

A week before I found out about the affair, I prayed that he would have an affair. It's horrible, but I needed something to push me to finally leave this man who was manipulating me for years. If he did have an affair, there would be absolutely NO WAY I would stay with him. For the last 2 months, he's torn up the house, threatened self-harm, and threatened that he would commit suicide if I leave. I have remained strong that we are not together because I am not emotionally safe with him.

One evening, I thought he had followed through and hurt himself. A day later, I woke to him sneaking into our room. I was so angry and so thankful that he was okay. I embraced him and allowed him to sleep in our bed. We embraced each other, talked, and cried for the entire day and night. I have asked him to leave again, but he doesn't want to.

I need him to go because I do not want our child to witness his temper tantrums or self-harm outbursts. When I ask him to leave, he literally has nowhere to go and threatens suicide. How do I stop caring for his emotional needs? I'm so tired and I just want to focus on our daughter and myself. I've never focused on myself before. I feel like I'm dying inside.

~Anonymous

While the winter and holiday season can be a time of joy and excitement, it can also be a source of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion for many.  The pressure to please and make everyone happy can be compounded by our own grief and loss, nostalgia for past memories, health issues, and concerns about the uncertainty of the world right now. 

Despite the pressures, I strongly encourage you to prioritize your wellbeing over the holidays, especially if you are someone who tends to neglect yourself, push through, and over-function at this time of year.  Here are some questions to reflect upon as we dive into this busy time of year and prepare for 2024.

The holiday season and end of the calendar year can bring with it a lot of joy, fun, excitement, and tradition. However, it can also be a time of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion, especially for those of us who are parents and caregivers. We often believe we need to show up at every event, clean and decorate our homes, bake treats, cook big meals, buy a lot of gifts, and have endless energy and enthusiasm. My goal today is to normalize the presence and intensity of these overwhelming emotions AND share some tips on how to take care of yourself in these next few weeks (and beyond!).

While the winter and holiday season can be a time of joy and excitement, it can also be a source of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion for many. The pressure to please and make everyone happy can be compounded by our own grief and loss, nostalgia for past memories, health issues, and concerns about the uncertainty of the world right now.

Despite the pressures, I strongly encourage you to prioritize your wellbeing over the holidays, especially if you are someone who tends to neglect yourself, push through, and over-function at this time of year. Here are some questions to reflect upon as we dive into the busy month of December and finish out 2022.

Explore the ways in which your relationship expectations may be leading you to feel hurt, stuck, angry, and resentful. And discover how to manage your expectations to create satisfying, fulfilling relationships with others in all parts of life. Read on for more details!