Question:
Dear Lo,
I have been in a decent relationship with my boyfriend for 14 years. We have grown together and been able to communicate through our problems in most cases. However, over the past 3 years, I have noticed his mental health declining and he did not want to heal from his childhood traumas. His behavior toward me and our child changed. He seldom wanted to help with house projects, remodeling, or even family events. He missed birthdays, holidays, and had a general lack of emotional connection with me. His anger had really increased as well.
I decided to let him be him and slowly stopped inviting him to events, stopped begging him for attention and to spend time with us. I recently learned that when I backed away and "let him," it resulted in him having an eight-month affair. In addition, there were multiple other women as well. I had an affair when our daughter was 2 months old and swore it would never happen again(she is now 10). I'm completely devastated, sick to my stomach, broken, betrayed, and secretly a little relieved.
A week before I found out about the affair, I prayed that he would have an affair. It's horrible, but I needed something to push me to finally leave this man who was manipulating me for years. If he did have an affair, there would be absolutely NO WAY I would stay with him. For the last 2 months, he's torn up the house, threatened self-harm, and threatened that he would commit suicide if I leave. I have remained strong that we are not together because I am not emotionally safe with him.
One evening, I thought he had followed through and hurt himself. A day later, I woke to him sneaking into our room. I was so angry and so thankful that he was okay. I embraced him and allowed him to sleep in our bed. We embraced each other, talked, and cried for the entire day and night. I have asked him to leave again, but he doesn't want to.
I need him to go because I do not want our child to witness his temper tantrums or self-harm outbursts. When I ask him to leave, he literally has nowhere to go and threatens suicide. How do I stop caring for his emotional needs? I'm so tired and I just want to focus on our daughter and myself. I've never focused on myself before. I feel like I'm dying inside.
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
I am so sorry to hear about your relationship challenges, and I can imagine that you are really struggling with how to move forward in this complicated situation. I think a lot of people can relate to the idea that it feels easier and more justified to leave a relationship when the other person has cheated. Keep in mind that you are ALWAYS allowed to end a relationship for any reason at any time (and the other person also has that right). Not feeling emotionally safe around a person is certainly a valid reason to walk away, especially when there is a child in the household as well. After three years of waiting and hoping for your partner to seek support and work through his trauma, it is understandable that you are ready to part ways. I encourage you to listen to your intuition and make the decision that feels best in your body and heart.
As many of us with codependent tendencies can attest to, it is hard to turn inward, meet your own needs, and make decisions that feel right for you, especially when the other person is begging you to do the opposite. Breaking old familiar patterns is never an easy task! And I can certainly understand how scary it must be to stand strong and follow through on a decision when your partner is threatening self-harm and suicide. I am here to gently remind you that it is not your responsibility to keep him safe - nor is it within your power to do so. We cannot make another person get help or make decisions that are healthy for themselves because they have to be ready and willing to take the next steps. It is your responsibility to make sure that you and your child are safe, stable, and healthy. By making the hard choice to stand by your decision to end the relationship, you are setting a beautiful example for your child about the importance of standing up for yourself and having your own back.
I encourage you to be kind, compassionate, and gentle with yourself as you navigate this challenging situation. Notice all the intense emotions that may come up for you, reminding yourself that walking away from a long-term relationship is hard and will involve grief. It will take time to work through the guilt, fear, sadness, frustration, and even confusion that may come up for you. Consider how you can be kind to yourself throughout this process and self-soothe. Take care of your physical needs for rest, sleep, relaxation, nourishing food, sunlight, and movement. And engage in nurturing activities that make you feel good, helping you to stay present and grounded. Maybe that involves taking a bubble bath, doing a face mask, making a cup of hot chocolate, reading a book that you enjoy, etc. Find small ways to cater to your own needs and focus on yourself and your child. When you take care of yourself, you will be able to show up as the best version of yourself, which benefits everyone else in your life. You can send well wishes, thoughts, prayers, and/or positive energy to your partner, hoping that he seeks support and gets what he needs to feel better. Sit with any guilt or anxiety that shows up, knowing that it is normal to feel that way, but it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong or bad. And most of all, remember that healing and growth are life-long processes. Some days will be easier than others, and that is okay. Take one day at a time, and even one moment at a time, and trust that you can handle whatever comes your way. Rooting for you and sending you lots of love!
