Dear Lo,

I have been in a decent relationship with my boyfriend for 14 years. We have grown together and been able to communicate through our problems in most cases. However, over the past 3 years, I have noticed his mental health declining and he did not want to heal from his childhood traumas. His behavior toward me and our child changed. He seldom wanted to help with house projects, remodeling, or even family events. He missed birthdays, holidays, and had a general lack of emotional connection with me. His anger had really increased as well.

I decided to let him be him and slowly stopped inviting him to events, stopped begging him for attention and to spend time with us. I recently learned that when I backed away and "let him," it resulted in him having an eight-month affair. In addition, there were multiple other women as well. I had an affair when our daughter was 2 months old and swore it would never happen again (she is now 10). I'm completely devastated, sick to my stomach, broken, betrayed, and secretly a little relieved.

A week before I found out about the affair, I prayed that he would have an affair. It's horrible, but I needed something to push me to finally leave this man who was manipulating me for years. If he did have an affair, there would be absolutely NO WAY I would stay with him. For the last 2 months, he's torn up the house, threatened self-harm, and threatened that he would commit suicide if I leave. I have remained strong that we are not together because I am not emotionally safe with him.

One evening, I thought he had followed through and hurt himself. A day later, I woke to him sneaking into our room. I was so angry and so thankful that he was okay. I embraced him and allowed him to sleep in our bed. We embraced each other, talked, and cried for the entire day and night. I have asked him to leave again, but he doesn't want to.

I need him to go because I do not want our child to witness his temper tantrums or self-harm outbursts. When I ask him to leave, he literally has nowhere to go and threatens suicide. How do I stop caring for his emotional needs? I'm so tired and I just want to focus on our daughter and myself. I've never focused on myself before. I feel like I'm dying inside.

~Anonymous

Dear Lo,

I've been with my boyfriend for 8+ years now. Several years ago while drinking with some friends, some inappropriate things happened with a close guy friend of mine. The feeling was quite different. It's hard to explain, but it didn't feel wrong. I have never cheated on my boyfriend before, and never talked/looked at another guy. After that night, my friend and I said it was clearly the biggest mistake since we were both in long-term relationships. We decided that we can no longer be friends or hang out by ourselves.

Long story short, we didn't keep that promise. In fact, we became much closer. We hung out alone, talked on the phone, became more comfortable physically. I HATE myself for it. Not to mention, I haven't been happy in my relationship for a few years now, but I can't let myself walk away because I genuinely don't believe I deserve to be happy. Our issues are more concrete and I don't think we have a future, but it's like I’m punishing myself for the mistakes I made and for the things I've done with this guy. I'm not sure what to do now since feelings are involved on both sides. I don't want the end result to be hurting and losing both of these guys. Thanks in advance for your feedback and advice.

~Anonymous