Question:
Dear Lo,
I've been with my boyfriend for 8+ years now. Several years ago while drinking with some friends, some inappropriate things happened with a close guy friend of mine. The feeling was quite different. It's hard to explain, but it didn't feel wrong. I have never cheated on my boyfriend before, and never talked/looked at another guy. After that night, my friend and I said it was clearly the biggest mistake since we were both in long-term relationships. We decided that we can no longer be friends or hang out by ourselves.
Long story short, we didn't keep that promise. In fact, we became much closer. We hung out alone, talked on the phone, became more comfortable physically. I HATE myself for it. Not to mention, I haven't been happy in my relationship for a few years now, but I can't let myself walk away because I genuinely don't believe I deserve to be happy. Our issues are more concrete and I don't think we have a future, but it's like I’m punishing myself for the mistakes I made and for the things I've done with this guy. I'm not sure what to do now since feelings are involved on both sides. I don't want the end result to be hurting and losing both of these guys. Thanks in advance for your feedback and advice.
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing your story in such an honest, vulnerable way. That takes a lot of courage to reach out for support! I can certainly appreciate how challenging this situation has become for all parties involved. In thinking about your next steps, I would encourage you to consider what is best for you and your current boyfriend. It is unfair to both of you to remain in a relationship where you are not happy (and he may not be either). It sounds like even before anything happened with your guy friend, you realized that your relationship wasn’t working and there was no future. If that is the case, you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to be open and honest about these concerns. By the way, that would be my suggestion even if nothing had happened between you and your friend. Staying with your boyfriend out of guilt or to punish yourself doesn’t benefit either of you. I know this conversation will probably be very difficult and uncomfortable, especially because the two of you have dated for so long. However, I truly believe it would hurt your boyfriend more to stay when you’re unhappy, especially if you continue to spend time with your guy friend in the meantime. Because it sounds like you consider your current relationship as broken, I don’t get the sense that you believe it can be improved and thus, walking away sounds like the only option for resolution. You can decide if you want to share what happened between you and your friend or not. Ultimately, it seems as though you wanted to breakup even if nothing happened with your friend, meaning that this situation wasn’t the only reason for your decision to .
Ending relationships of any kind, especially long-term ones, is really hard and scary. I often recommend that people take time to process, grieve, and heal on their own before entering another relationship. This time alone can prevent us from repeating patterns or avoiding the uncomfortable emotions that often surface after a breakup. If, down the road, you and your friend decide to pursue a relationship, you can do so from a place of confidence, strength, and excitement rather than confusion and guilt. If your friend does not want to end his relationship or give you time to heal, that may be a sign that he is not the right person for you. I know it can be hard to take these risks of possibly hurting both guys. At the same time, the current situation is hurting all three of you and doesn’t sound sustainable. I wish you the best of luck and know that you will ultimately make the choice that feels best for you when the time is right. Take good care of yourself!
