Dear Lo,

I have been in a decent relationship with my boyfriend for 14 years. We have grown together and been able to communicate through our problems in most cases. However, over the past 3 years, I have noticed his mental health declining and he did not want to heal from his childhood traumas. His behavior toward me and our child changed. He seldom wanted to help with house projects, remodeling, or even family events. He missed birthdays, holidays, and had a general lack of emotional connection with me. His anger had really increased as well.

I decided to let him be him and slowly stopped inviting him to events, stopped begging him for attention and to spend time with us. I recently learned that when I backed away and "let him," it resulted in him having an eight-month affair. In addition, there were multiple other women as well. I had an affair when our daughter was 2 months old and swore it would never happen again (she is now 10). I'm completely devastated, sick to my stomach, broken, betrayed, and secretly a little relieved.

A week before I found out about the affair, I prayed that he would have an affair. It's horrible, but I needed something to push me to finally leave this man who was manipulating me for years. If he did have an affair, there would be absolutely NO WAY I would stay with him. For the last 2 months, he's torn up the house, threatened self-harm, and threatened that he would commit suicide if I leave. I have remained strong that we are not together because I am not emotionally safe with him.

One evening, I thought he had followed through and hurt himself. A day later, I woke to him sneaking into our room. I was so angry and so thankful that he was okay. I embraced him and allowed him to sleep in our bed. We embraced each other, talked, and cried for the entire day and night. I have asked him to leave again, but he doesn't want to.

I need him to go because I do not want our child to witness his temper tantrums or self-harm outbursts. When I ask him to leave, he literally has nowhere to go and threatens suicide. How do I stop caring for his emotional needs? I'm so tired and I just want to focus on our daughter and myself. I've never focused on myself before. I feel like I'm dying inside.

~Anonymous

Dear Lo,

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply to my question (or two!).

My first question was a result of your webinar about people pleasing. You mentioned that we often get frustrated because we expect people to read our minds about our wants and wishes, but if we are always asking someone to do things that we would like, how do we know that they do them because they want to rather than being forced to do it?

Irrespective of people-pleasing, I have caught myself being codependent with my current partner of 7 years. Do you think that it is still possible to work on my codependency issues while being with him or do you think that it's not possible to do that and if I want to work on these issues I should end the relationship?

Thank you!

P.S. Your webinars are amazing and you are a great communicator!

Dear Lo,

I recently came across your webinar on codependency and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I loved your other webinars on perfectionism and people pleasing too. Thank you for doing the work you do and for showing up with so much enthusiasm and positivity. You're really helping a lot of us :)

I've (28/f) been in a relationship with my partner (31/m) for 2.5 years. He is a great person who is very kind and sensitive. I came to realize that I've been badly hurt in my past relationships and as a result, I carry trauma from that and from my childhood (the feeling of being unwanted). It is only recently that I'm coming to terms with it. I find it hard to communicate with my current partner because I don't know how much of it stems from my issues and how much of it is from our issues. I will also add that I felt mistrustful and maybe hold some resentment for being hurt in this relationship. Although I think a vast part of it is due to misunderstandings and my own codependency. I would like to feel more comfortable communicating and feel more intimate. But I also have my own journey to make, one which involves believing in my self-worth first. Would you have some advice for me? Thank you!

Dear Lo,

I have been in a relationship for almost a year, and we are engaged to be married. I think he is a great partner in many ways: he spoils me, takes care of me, and covers all the finances as I am completing a program for another year. I have a great relationship with his family and parents. All in all, I am happy.

But there are things that I am a little worried about that I wanted to get your feedback on. Several times he has mentioned that I am super confident and it makes him insecure. We talked through and resolved it as we usually do. But I have noticed that he is flattered when he gets attention from women of all kinds. He accepts it when they flirt or when a work-related contact constantly messages and calls him day and night. I also noticed his unusual attitude towards one of his female friends who is married. When I raised my concerns, he said he has stopped collaborating with the coworker and reduced communication with the married female friend.

About 6 months ago, I found a box of condoms when cleaning our bedroom. It is a type we never use, and the last box we bought together was still there. When I asked, he said it was an old box, and I didn’t mention it again. Lately I noticed that he imitates having sex in his sleep quite frequently, but doesn’t initiate sex with me. I am 20 weeks pregnant, but I haven’t had any complications. He is very caring, we cuddle a lot, and he doesn't go to bed without me. And last night I woke up because he was being very noisy in his sleep, imitating having sex in his dreams again. It seemed very different than what it’s like when we have sex together. And then I came home earlier than him today and out of curiosity, checked the box of condoms. The one that had different condoms than we use is now empty. We have been living together and he has not spent the night elsewhere, but I have been away for a couple days. What do you think? Thank you so much in advance for answering my question.