Question:
Dear Lo,
Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply to my question (or two!).
My first question was a result of your webinar about people pleasing. You mentioned that we often get frustrated because we expect people to read our minds about our wants and wishes, but if we are always asking someone to do things that we would like, how do we know that they do them because they want to rather than being forced to do it?
Irrespective of people-pleasing, I have caught myself being codependent with my current partner of 7 years. Do you think that it is still possible to work on my codependency issues while being with him or do you think that it's not possible to do that and if I want to work on these issues I should end the relationship?
Thank you!
P.S. Your webinars are amazing and you are a great communicator!
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for submitting these great questions! I am sure that they resonate with many people out there so you are not alone. When I first began speaking up about my wants and needs, I also worried that I would be “forcing” people to do things for me that they didn’t want to. I believed that it was less special when someone showed up for me if I “told them how to do it” because it wasn’t coming from their heart. But here’s what helped me to overcome these concerns. First of all, the vast majority of people don’t continuously engage in behaviors that they don’t want to do. Because we tend to be people pleasers, we believe that everyone goes through life doing things out of duty and obligation like we do. The truth is, we cannot MAKE someone do something for us. Every person has their own free will and can make their own decisions. We can make a request, but it is ultimately up to that person whether they want to comply. And it is their responsibility to exercise their choice to say no to prevent taking actions that make them frustrated or resentful. Those of us with codependent and people pleasing tendencies often believe it is our responsibility to take care of others and prevent them from feeling uncomfortable (often at the expense of our own comfort level). It is only our job to take care of ourselves by advocating for what we want and need in our relationships and trusting that others will do the same for themselves. We also give others a huge gift when we tell them HOW they can best show up for us. The special people in our lives want to be there for us and make us feel good, but they don’t always know what that looks like because we may not have shared our preferences. Give others a chance to show up for you and express their love in the way that works best for you. We all have different wants, needs, and feelings, which means it is our job to communicate this information with others in our life. They may be trying to provide support in the ways that work for them, which might be different than what we are looking for in our relationships. It will feel uncomfortable and awkward at first, but take baby steps in this direction anyway. I promise that it becomes more natural over time!
As far as whether to remain in a relationship in which you display codependent habits, there is no easy answer to that question. For some people, they are able to heal within the context of a relationship, especially if their partner is supportive. I would recommend seeking private coaching or therapy to heal from codependency. Make sure your partner is aware of what habits you are working to shift and why it is important to you. Partners can often provide a good opportunity to practice your new skills in real-life situations. However, if you find that you are too tempted to remain in your current patterns, you may benefit from spending some time alone to get started on your healing journey. For many people, it is easier to focus on themselves, get in touch with their wants and needs, and take care of themselves when they are single. It doesn’t meant that you should remain single permanently, but rather just until you feel more confident in your new skills and ready to practice them in the context of a relationship. Only you know which path is best for you so turn inward, reflect, and make the decision that feels right. Trust yourself and you can’t lose. I hope this information is helpful and I wish you the best of luck!
