I recently came across your webinar on codependency and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I loved your other webinars on perfectionism and people pleasing too. Thank you for doing the work you do and for showing up with so much enthusiasm and positivity. You're really helping a lot of us :)
I've (28/f) been in a relationship with my partner (31/m) for 2.5 years. He is a great person who is very kind and sensitive. I came to realize that I've been badly hurt in my past relationships and as a result, I carry trauma from that and from my childhood (the feeling of being unwanted). It is only recently that I'm coming to terms with it. I find it hard to communicate with my current partner because I don't know how much of it stems from my issues and how much of it is from our issues. I will also add that I felt mistrustful and maybe hold some resentment for being hurt in this relationship. Although I think a vast part of it is due to misunderstandings and my own codependency. I would like to feel more comfortable communicating and feel more intimate. But I also have my own journey to make, one which involves believing in my self-worth first. Would you have some advice for me? Thank you!
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
I want to thank you for the kind words about my webinars and the impact of my work. Your feedback means a lot to me! I am so proud of you for looking internally to consider how your past affects the way you show up in your current relationship. It makes sense that if you were betrayed, hurt, and/or abandoned as a child and in past romantic relationships, you still carry scars from those experiences, making you more cautious and possibly even insecure with your current partner. This hypervigilance is a self-protective mechanism we often engage in to prevent ourselves from getting hurt again. I truly believe that awareness and understanding is the first step in the healing process, and you are already there, which is wonderful! I would encourage you to seek individual therapy and/or coaching to identify, process, and release the trauma that you experienced. Particularly when it comes to feeling unwanted, I recommend inner child work and reparenting as a way to heal. This modality allows you to show up for yourself as your own most loving parent and best friend and give yourself the love and acceptance that you longed for in your past. While there are many resources on inner child work, I recommend my virtual workshop on the topic, which can be found here.
As far as your current relationship, I cannot answer whether you should stay or walk away because only you know what is best for you. You may find that you can work on communication skills, being vulnerable, and improving your self-worth within this relationship. Or you might decide that you need some time alone to commit to doing this deep healing work before you’re ready to show up in a partnership with anyone. Some ideas on how to break free from codependency include spending time alone each day, even if it’s just for a few moments. Take time to check in with yourself daily by identifying at least one emotion you feel in that moment and one small action step you can take to support yourself emotionally. You might decide to take a walk outside if you feel sluggish and down or to give yourself a big hug and sway gently from side-to-side if you feel sad and need compassion. Naming and validating your emotions is a great way to get to know and support yourself rather than solely relying on others to soothe you. I also encourage you to explore some of your own interests and hobbies that you can do independently of your partner. Maybe you watch a TV show by yourself each week, join a book club, or spend time with your own friends.
As far as communication, I suggest that you and your partner create a check-in time each week (maybe 20 minutes every Sunday before bed or possibly a dinner date each Wednesday). During that time, you both share at least one high and low from the current week. Try to go beyond the surface issues to touch on how you are feeling and what you need from one another. If you struggle to open up and express yourself, consider trying out a card game with questions that act as prompts. I like the card deck called “Where Should We Begin” by Esther Perel, but there are many options out there and even some question lists for couples online that are free. If you struggle to share about the reasons why you mistrust your current partner, it may be helpful to write out your uncensored feelings in a private letter, which you don’t have to share with your partner. This exercise will allow you to tap into and express your emotions openly and honestly without fear of what anyone else might think. The letter can help you to brainstorm what you would like to eventually tell your partner or simply act as a release for you to move beyond the past and start fresh.
I hope you find these exercises and ideas helpful. If you liked my first webinar on codependency, I highly encourage you to check out my upcoming live virtual workshop called “Confident and Empowered: Break Free from Codependency,” which I will be presenting on October 26, 2023. This workshop acts as a part two on healing from codependency and will give you even more tips and strategies to continue your personal work. If interested, you can learn more and purchase a ticket here (replay available to all so no worries if you can’t attend live). I wish you the best of luck and want to commend you on your insight and dedication to healing from your past wounds. I have no doubt you will continue to make progress!
