Question:
Dear Lo,
I was hoping for your help in coming up with a mantra or phrase to keep my mind at peace. I am finally on the same page with my husband about our desire to have another child. We have been trying for almost a year with no luck and had no problems with my first pregnancy. I am dreading having a conversation about fertility treatments with him because I do not want to be heartbroken all over again. Sometimes I wonder if this is all meant to be? I had to be so persistent for him to agree to try to have another child, and now I'm being tested again since it's not happening easily and I may need fertility treatment. I am trying to go with the flow and accept what is, but how can I not fight for what's important to me? I so appreciate your help and support. Trying to find a mantra of acceptance to keep my mind at ease, as it's hard for this not to be all consuming.
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you so much for writing in with this question. I am so sorry that you are having fertility challenges right now. As someone who navigated fertility issues for three years before finally having my children, I can relate to just how agonizing and powerless this situation can feel. I am sending you (and anyone else going through it) so much love, hope, and encouragement throughout this entire process.
I would recommend that you notice, identify, and acknowledge all the feelings that come up for you. From what you shared, it sounds like you may feel worried, frustrated, confused, sad, and powerless. All of these (and many other) feelings make total sense, are to be expected, and can be so difficult to navigate, especially month after month. Check in with yourself regularly and allow yourself to feel everything with compassion and gentleness rather than judgment. Cry, yell into a pillow, take a brisk walk, or do a kickboxing class to release the pent-up sadness, anger, disappointment. Also consider how you can soothe and nurture yourself through these often intense emotions. Some practices that I found helpful are meditation, support from a therapist, working with a fertility doctor who I felt comfortable with and heard by, and doing small activities that brought me joy every week. I would plan a coffee date with a friend, order dinner from my favorite restaurant, look for a great beach read or captivating TV series, etc. Small moments where you can feel peaceful, present, and joyful are really necessary always, but especially during difficult times.
I would also suggest that you hold space for your disappointment, fear, and uncertainty about what the future holds along with that sense of trust, hope, and acceptance that you want to cultivate. This balance can be incredibly challenging to maintain, and we aren’t always going to do it well - which is totally okay. I’ve never been a fan of toxic positivity, in which we deny or suppress our very real feelings to stay happy and optimistic all the time. I have found this mindset isn’t realistic and often leads to the building and intensifying of the uncomfortable emotions. However, I also understand that you want to cultivate a sense of ease and gentleness as much as possible throughout this process. A mantra like “The uncertainty of this fertility journey is scary AND I trust in myself to make the best decisions for myself and my family” may be helpful. I also like short affirmations like “This is hard and I can do hard things” or “This is temporary and it will pass.” Any phrases that resonate with you and bring you comfort can definitely be useful to repeat and write down on post-it notes around the house.
My last thoughts involve the conversation that you plan to have with your husband about the possibility of fertility treatment. I can definitely see why you are nervous about his reaction and unsure if he will be on board with the next steps. I encourage you to be honest and vulnerable about how you’re feeling and what you might need from him. Think (and maybe even write down) what you want to say and how/when is the best time to have this discussion to set yourself up for success. And remember that your feelings, wants, and needs are valid no matter what. You could ask him to simply listen without interrupting so that you can share what is on your heart. And he might benefit from having some time to think and process before he shares his thoughts with you. I hope these ideas are helpful to you. I am thinking of you and wishing you and your family all the best! You are a wonderful mother and your family is lucky to have you <3.
