Whenever I develop an emotional connection with a romantic person, I tend to feel anxiety with that connection. I irrationally fear that she could reject me without any reason to support that idea. As a result of this anxiety, I feel very much worried that she will reject me and walk away from me. If a rejection does occur, it triggers an extreme depression and profound emotional pain that's almost unmanageable.
My therapist believes this could be because of rejection-sensitive dysphoria. I have a history of this happening to me before, where a romantic person walks away from my life and every time it happens, it triggers an extreme sadness where I've cried so intensely and felt profoundly sad. Yes, I understand that rejection by a romantic person is possible and that it is always sad to experience. But in my particular case, it's an extreme depression that lasts way longer than it should and with very slow day-by-day improvement.
I need help with this. Why does this happen to me? What is the cause of it? How can I overcome it?
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you so much for reaching out about your fears around rejection in romantic relationships. I am sorry that you are struggling, and I can understand how challenging these feelings and reactions must be for both you and a partner. From what you described, it sounds as though you are experiencing an anxious attachment style. In most cases, this attachment style stems from a person’s relationship with their primary caregiver in the early years of their childhood. I would encourage you to reflect on the bond you had with your caregiver because that relationship tends to influence how we approach close emotional connections in adulthood, especially romantic partnerships.
With an anxious attachment style, the caregiver inconsistently attends to the child’s needs, which can be confusing for the child because they never know what to expect. At times, the parent may show up and meet the child’s emotional needs, but at other times, they are unavailable physically and/or emotionally. In response, the child struggles to trust their caregiver, and often believes it is their fault that the caregiver is inconsistent. The child interprets the parent’s behavior as a sign that they are unlovable and that their needs are “too much” or unimportant.
In adulthood, an anxious attachment style can look like: excessive worry, looking for reassurance and approval from a partner, fear of rejection and abandonment, jealousy and suspicion of partner, clinginess and poor boundaries, people pleasing and codependency, and prioritizing a partner’s needs over their own. These behaviors may actually end up pushing the partner away and eventually contributing to the end of the relationship, which is the anxiously attached person’s biggest fear. When a breakup does occur, it can further reinforce the anxiously attached person’s belief that they are unworthy, inconvenient, and unimportant. These ideas lead to the intense and long-lasting depression symptoms that you described after a breakup.
To heal, the goal is to work toward a secure attachment style, which can definitely take time, but is well worth it. I highly recommend inner child work as a way to heal from past childhood abandonment wounds. This technique involves forming a connection with your younger self and learning to act like a loving, supportive, and consistent parent that meets your inner child’s emotional needs. If you’d like more info on inner child work, check out these resources here. Often this work is best done with the guidance and support of a skilled therapist or coach who specializes in this area.
It can also be helpful to notice the situations with a partner that tend to trigger the anxious reaction in you. Some examples might include when a partner acts distant or quiet, seems extra friendly with others, doesn’t answer texts or calls immediately, cancels or changes plans at the last minute, doesn’t provide enough positive feedback or reassurance, etc. Being aware of your triggers is important so that you can share it with your partner and be proactive together to work through it. I also recommend that you look for a partner who has a secure attachment and has done work on themselves so that they are less likely to trigger your anxious attachment and is willing to support you during the healing process. Finally, practice identifying and validating your own emotions on a regular basis. When you know and understand yourself, you can start to meet your own emotional needs and communicate ways that your partner can work with you to help you feel loved and safe.
I hope this information is helpful and I wish you so much luck! Above all else, please be gentle, patient, and compassionate with yourself as the healing process takes time and can be challenging. You deserve to feel worthy, secure, and confident in yourself and your romantic relationship, and that life is possible for you!
