Question:
Dear Lo,
I want to start off by saying that I attended one of your webinars on codependency and it was a breath of fresh air. I recently had a huge heart-to-heart with my partner regarding how they think my mental state in this relationship is unhealthy…which hurts, obviously. I know that I do not have the healthy mindset and emotional awareness that my partner has, which he has worked on through his own journey. He said we are in two different spots, but there is always room for growth, right? He wants me to be my best self, love me for me, communicate my feelings more, and be more vulnerable. I spoke with my therapist regarding the antidepressant I am on, and how I feel like I am "blocked" 95% of the time regarding my emotions and reactions, which is very frustrating. I am still raw from this conversation with him. I don't want him to have resentment toward me and how I am trying to grow on my journey and take the necessary steps. I am worried that he won't see the effort. He wants me to be happy and express my needs and wants, but I am afraid he'll get tired of waiting for me to become "healthy" in my journey. How do I cope with these anxieties?
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for the kind words about my codependency webinar. I am so glad you connected with it! The conversation with your partner does sound difficult, and I can understand why you are feeling raw and uncertain as you move forward. I like that your partner was honest with you, and that you were open to the feedback even though it was hard to hear. Open, genuine, and honest dialogue is very important in any relationship. It is my belief that every human being is on their own unique path and we are continuously evolving and growing over time. So yes, there is always room for growth for all of us and change is definitely possible. It is also wonderful that you are open to learning more tools and finding healthy ways of navigating life, feeling your emotions, and communicating with your partner. And I have no doubt that with time, you will be successful! Take one step at a time, be patient with yourself, and celebrate your small successes as they happen.
As far as your partner, it makes sense that you don’t want him to resent you for being in a different place on your healing journey than him. From what he shared, it seems as though he wants the best for you and believes that you can get there. If not, he probably would have ended the relationship and walked away already. However, it also sounds like you worry he will not want to wait for you to make these changes and grow. Of course, this outcome is always a possibility. With any relationship, either person can decide to walk away at any time and for any reason. However, when I find myself future tripping and thinking of all the “what ifs,” I pause, take a deep breath, and shift my mind back to the present moment. I remind myself, “Right now, in this moment, everything is okay. I am safe.” While life is uncertain and unpredictable, we feel our best when we remain focused on the current circumstances. What do you know for sure right now? At this point, he has communicated the areas in which he would like you to focus. You accepted his feedback and are taking steps needed to work on yourself through therapy, webinars, and reaching out to me here. Let your actions speak for themselves. If he has done his own growth work, he likely understands that all change takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. It also sounds like he could be a great cheerleader and support system to you during this time since h e.
You could also consider sharing your concerns with him in an open, honest way. Let him know all the ways you are working to heal and express your worry that he will get impatient and leave. This conversation can be a way to get some reassurance from him and also practice being vulnerable and expressive with him. Finally, keep in mind that you want to make these changes for yourself and not just to make him happy or keep him in the relationship. Sustainable change occurs when we take steps because we feel connected to the work and want things to be different for ourselves. If your partner ultimately walks away because he gets impatient, that is his choice and you will be okay (though it will involve a grieving process). The right person for you will be supportive, patient, and willing to celebrate the small successes along the journey with you. Trust in yourself, trust in your partner, and trust in your own journey. No matter what happens, you will have your own back, taking care of yourself and meeting your own needs. I wish you the best of luck and please know that I believe in you and am cheering you on!
