Question:
Dear Lo,
What advice do you have related to rejection from a grown child? My daughter and I have been estranged for 6 years. She tells me I was a bad mother and I was never there for her. I have a drained bank account and battle scars that tell a different story. I am codependent so her rejection is very painful. I truly enjoy your classes and I'm learning a lot about myself. Since I no longer cater to my daughters demands, I'm too angry for her to deal with so I've been written out of her life and she keeps my grandsons from me, whom I supported for the first years of their lives. My daughter remarried a wealthy man and no longer needs my bank account or me. Where did I go wrong? Thanks in advance for insight to my issue.
~Karen
Answer:
Dear Karen,
I am very sorry to hear that you are struggling with rejection from your daughter. That sounds incredibly challenging, confusing, and painful. It makes total sense to be wondering how things got to this point and what to do moving forward. It sounds like you have given a lot to your daughter and grandchildren, especially when it comes to finances. Because she no longer needs money, you feel rejected and not valued or appreciated by her. That would be heartbreaking as a parent.
Your feelings are valid and it is important that you acknowledge them, allowing yourself to feel everything that comes up for you. Grieving the loss of a very important relationship is certainly difficult. However, it is often necessary in order to heal and move forward. You cannot control your daughter’s behavior, and she has the right (however unfair and painful) to remain estranged. I suggest that you do the angry letter writing technique when you feel ready. This exercise can provide you with an outlet for your feelings without relying on your daughter to understand, accept, or validate your feelings (because you can’t make her do that). Grab a piece of paper and pen, go to a quiet space, and write down everything that you are thinking and feeling related to your daughter. While you write the letter as though you are speaking directly to your daughter, you will not send this letter to her or show it to anyone else. That way, you can be completely honest and uncensored. Feel free to swear, underline, use red pen, or do anything else to convey the intensity of your emotions. Get it all out! And recognize that you may need to do this exercise over the course of several sessions if you have a lot to express. When you have completed your letter(s), burn it safely to symbolize that you are releasing these intense thoughts and feelings rather than holding onto them.
I also encourage you to be very kind and compassionate to yourself throughout this healing process. Find small ways to soothe and support yourself like a best friend or loving partner. Take a bath, read your favorite book, hug your pet, walk in nature, or anything else that feels good. Speak to yourself with understanding and validate any and all emotions that arise (i.e. “I’m sorry that you are going through this. This is so hard. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, etc. You are a good mother who cares about her daughter a lot.”). Remember that grief is a continual process and some moments will be easier than others. In some ways, it can be even more painful when a person is still alive and they are simply choosing not to engage with us. Take care of you and pour the love, understanding, and grace on yourself as you navigate this extremely challenging situation.
If you want to reach out to your daughter every so often, you can send a quick text or note to let her know that you are thinking of and love her. Share that you are always there if she wants to reach out, but you also respect if she chooses not to respond. I would discourage you from bringing up any of your frustration, hurt, or trying to rehash the past because she will probably not be open to hearing it at this time. And try your best not to have expectations that she will reach out because it can lead to disappointment and anger, which is really painful. Remember that she is on her own journey and has her own life lessons to learn, which makes it impossible to know if or when she will be ready to repair. I am sending you so much love and best wishes as you navigate this heartbreaking situation.
