Cultivating Acceptance

In the past, I spent a lot of time dwelling on what I wished could be and how I thought things should be. In struggling to acknowledge and accept what is, I often sacrificed my peace and presence in favor of resistance and future-tripping. The most obvious example came in my relationships with others. I often saw the potential in a person or situation, choosing to focus on how things could change for the better. While being forward-thinking can be beneficial in some ways, it also prevents us from realizing the truth of what is currently in front of us. I gave away a lot of my power because I was trying to control things that I could not.

In choosing partners to date, I focused on identifying and encouraging them to grow, evolve, and change in what I viewed as positive ways. I saw all of their skills and strengths, and I believed wholeheartedly in their ability to achieve great success. I also took this mindset when it came to my family relationships and friendships. I believed that if one person would just listen and understand my perspective, we could heal from our past disagreements and move forward. If another person would stop guilt-tripping me, I would willingly choose to spend more time with them. And if someone else would simply prioritize our friendship, we could become even closer and feel like sisters. In all of these examples, I was holding out hope that external factors would change. To be fair, I also found that I was quite hard on myself, always looking for ways that I could be or do better. But in believing that I couldn’t be happy until someone or something else shifted, I was fighting an up-hill battle and setting myself up for disappointment. When that other person wasn’t willing or capable of doing something different, I felt let down, hurt, and angry. My expectations were not always realistic and did not necessarily line up with their wants, needs, or readiness.

When I began to acknowledge and accept people and situations for what they were in the present, I felt a deeper sense of relief and peace, even when the outcome didn’t match what I wanted. I was able to let go of the need to control, which gave me more time and energy to focus on myself (the only thing I can control). My relationships strengthened with this mindset shift because others felt free to be themselves without pressure or expectations placed upon them by me. Keep in mind that acceptance of what others can give does not mean that we allow toxic behavior. We simply consider if the current relationship or circumstances are enough for us. If yes, we continue on with the relationship without expecting or assuming that anything will change. If positive change does occur, that is simply a bonus! If the current situation is not enough for us, we can choose to walk away from the relationship or put parameters around it (seeing the person less often, shifting more of our energy elsewhere, etc.). This shift did not come easily to me, and I still have to remind myself at times not to expect others to be different than who they’ve shown themselves to be. It is a skill that I will probably work on for the rest of my life, but so far, the results have been very powerful.