I was recently on the path to graduate college and get a full-time job with a company that I have been working part-time for all four years of college. However, due to a rash decision that I made, I am no longer on track to graduate this semester and I lost my relationship with the company that I worked for previously. I feel like I cannot trust myself to make decisions anymore, and I constantly find myself thinking about the past when I had it all. I developed severe anxiety and depression as a result of the events that happened, and I constantly catastrophize everything in my life. What can I do to get better?
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling recently. I understand why you are disappointed at the turn of events that led you to a different life path than you originally planned. It makes sense and is very common that when we make a rash decision that we later regret, we struggle to trust ourselves, ruminate on the past, and beat ourselves up for it. I can certainly relate to that experience in my own life, and it took me a while to heal from something that I considered a huge mistake and learn to move forward with confidence. Here are some of the ways that I would encourage you to work through this pain productively.
The first step in the process involves allowing yourself to grieve the loss of your original plan. It sounds like you are sad, disappointed, and maybe even frustrated that you are now going to graduate later and need to find a different job afterward. Allow all those thoughts and feelings to be there without judgement. While it can be painful to sit in these uncomfortable emotions, it will allow you to eventually work through them to get to the other side. Because it can be tempting to dwell in these thoughts and feelings, I recommend that you set aside about 10-15 minutes per day to journal, vent to a friend, cry, punch a pillow, or any other healthy outlet for everything that comes up for you. That way, you are not suppressing your emotions, but also not allowing them to consume you and prevent you from completing daily tasks. If your brain returns to this topic at other times throughout the day, simply acknowledge those thoughts and remind yourself that you can re-visit them during your 10-15 minute window at the designated time of day. Keep in mind that the grieving process takes time, often much longer than we’d like it to, but you will not feel this way forever.
The second step is very important, but can be quite challenging for many of us. It involves showing yourself compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness. In my own personal situation, I found that I continually criticized myself and did not want to give myself permission to be human. We have all done things in our life that we are not proud of or regret later. That is part of the human experience, and it is impossible to grow and evolve without these situations. They are painful and uncomfortable, but they do not need to define us as a person. Notice when you are making this one situation mean something about your worth. We can be disappointed, sad, and frustrated with ourselves AND still recognize that we are a good person who is trying our best. Hindsight is always 20/20, and it is unfair to continue punishing yourself for something that happened in the past. Reflection of our actions can be helpful so that we learn a lesson and do not repeat the same patterns moving forward. However, beating ourselves up and believing that we will never succeed does not benefit us in any way. Rather than motivating us to do better, it often causes us to freeze and remain stuck because we are so afraid of “failing” again. When you hear that inner critic voice show up, acknowledge it with compassion and remind it that you no longer need its help because you can handle your life from here on your own. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend, partner, or a young child. You deserve the same patience and kindness that you would give to them.
Lastly, keep in mind that self-trust can and will return, but it may take some time. Practice making small decisions that do not matter, remind yourself that you are strong and can handle whatever obstacles come your way, and spend time in reflection to reconnect to your intuition. Do one small kind thing for yourself every single day to remember that you matter and deserve love. It can be something simple like making your favorite cup of tea, reading a book before bed, taking a bath, or cuddling with your pet. And lastly, identify one small win that you accomplished each day. Once again, it can be something small like making your bed, moving your body, or applying to one job. When your mind starts to ruminate on your mistake from the past, remind yourself that every situation is an opportunity for growth. Nothing can be a mistake as long as we take the opportunity to learn something from it and apply it to our life moving forward. When one door closes, another one will open so trust and believe that you will find your way. Sometimes the situations that seem like our biggest failures lead us to something even greater than we could have imagined. It can be hard to see that in the moment when we are going through it, and this perspective often comes later once we’re on the other side. Overall, be kind to yourself throughout this entire process. Borrow my belief and confidence in you if you are struggling to feel that way about yourself. You can do this!
