I am normally an interdependent person, but in my relationship, I found it was much harder. How do you talk to someone who wants you to be codependent on them and believes this is the goal to a successful relationship? How do you explain the importance of interdependence?
~STEFN
Answer:
Dear STEFN,
What an insightful question and one that I’m sure many people can relate to when it comes to relationships! From what you have shared, it sounds as though you understand and value the importance of interdependence. However, you may be involved with a codependent partner, which makes it more challenging for you to live out an interdependent life. I will provide you with some information about interdependence that perhaps you can share with your partner to explain why you value this way of living. However, I must caution you that if your partner resists the information or disagrees with it, you cannot control or change them. They may not be ready to shift from codependent tendencies and/or may need their own professional support to make these shifts. In that case, you and your partner get to decide whether you can accept each other’s different views on what constitutes a successful relationship. You may both choose to make the relationship work by communicating openly and honestly and respecting each other’s boundaries. Or you may find that your paths are not aligned at this time in terms of what you want and need in a relationship. That question can only be answered by the two of you.
The relationship we have with ourselves forms the basis for our interactions with others in our life. When we reconnect with our authentic selves, we learn to understand who we are, how we feel, and what we want and need. Knowing and understanding ourselves as individuals allows us to have our own back and advocate for wants, needs, and desires. We can learn to check in with ourselves, asking what we can do to care for and meet our own needs. This mindset is very empowering and promotes autonomy, confidence, and self-trust. Often, when we struggle with codependent tendencies, we are looking externally for someone or something to make us feel happy, safe, confident, worthy, and lovable. In these situations, we give away our power as we rely on others to meet our needs. When that someone or something is no longer available, we feel lost, confused, and without a purpose or identity. When we know and care for ourselves, it actually allows us to form healthy relationships because we are not solely dependent on our partner.
It is also true that we are social creatures who rely on each other for survival and joy. We are not meant to go through life completely alone and handle all obstacles by ourselves. However, the goal is that we find the balance between having our own back AND asking for support from others when we need it. I love the phrase, “We should be the ice cream sundae and other people are merely the cherry on top.” It is our responsibility to check in with ourselves and find ways to meet our emotional needs. And then when others provide extra love and support, that is an additional benefit that feels great! In this way, our ultimate goal is interdependence. Codependence says, “I cannot survive without you.” With this mindset, we do not see ourselves as distinct, unique individuals. Independence says, “I can handle everything on my own and I don’t need anyone else.” In these situations, we build walls that keep other people out, leading us to feel lonely and isolated. And the beautiful middle ground is interdependence, which says, “I don’t need you, but I want you in my life. I am good on my own, but I choose to have you in my corner. I can handle myself, but I am also not afraid to ask for support from others when needed as well.”
I hope these distinctions were helpful! Remember that the only person we can control or change is ourselves. But we also have the freedom to make choices that work best for us and allow us to feel happy, fulfilled, and supported. I wish you the best of luck in building an interdependent relationship!
