I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months and I have never been happier. He genuinely treats me right and makes me feel so loved. We met online and live about 14 hours away from each other so the only time we’ve seen each other is when he flew here for my graduation. The original plan was for him to stay for a week and then go home and get a job. He stayed for the whole month of June and it was honestly the best month of this year. But after he left, I cried a lot and missed him. After a couple days, I realized I was feeling very anxious and I wasn’t sure why. I did some research and figured out that I had separation anxiety. I believe I’ve had undiagnosed separation anxiety since I was in 7th grade, but I had it towards my house/my mom. Now I think I developed it with my boyfriend because we got much closer while he was here. I find myself anxious everyday, and my boyfriend has mentioned that he doesn’t know what to do. It’s hard for him because he just wants to make me happy.
We’re taking a break from talking right now while I get my life together, but I don’t know what to do. I signed up for therapy and my first appointment is on Thursday. I journal, meditate, and I take care of myself to the best of my ability. I don’t know what else to do to minimize the anxiety and I don’t know how to reassure him that I’ll be okay. I’ve also been thinking about texting him and checking in on him, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea because we’re taking a break. I don’t know how long we’re taking a break either. I was alone with myself for about two years, and in those years, I dealt with anxiety from moving to a new house, and I got to know myself a lot better and found joy in my life that didn’t involve someone else. I don’t know why I suddenly feel anxious without him, but it’s really hard and sometimes it feels like I won’t get through it. I really don’t know what to do and I don’t want to lose him.
~Jackie
Answer:
Dear Jackie,
Thank you so much for reaching out with this question, and I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety around your relationship. I want to commend you for taking steps to care for your mental health, especially by signing up for therapy. What a great way to get support and learn healthy coping skills to manage your symptoms! I also love that you journal and meditate to assess how you’re feeling and ground yourself in the present moment. Keep up the great work!
From what you described, it seems as though you feel increased security and comfort in something outside of yourself. As a kid, you attached to your home and mom to feel grounded and now, you experience this sense of safety from being in the presence of your boyfriend. The heightened anxiety may stem from a lack of self-trust, meaning that you don’t feel capable of handling life’s obstacles on your own and thus, need support and confidence from an external source. I encourage you to speak with your therapist about codependency and check out my resources on the topic here on my website. Healing from codependent tendencies involves the development of an interdependent relationship, which means that you do not need the other person to feel okay, but rather that you simply want them in your life. You trust and know that you can cope with life on your own, and you’re not afraid to ask for support when needed as well.
One of the ways to decrease anxiety and feel safe within yourself involves the use of somatic exercises to calm your nervous system, bring your body out of fight or flight, and ground yourself in the present moment. An example of a somatic exercise is the heart/belly hold. Place one hand on your heart and the other hand on your belly. Inhale through your nose and exhale fully and deeply through your mouth. Focus on making the exhale longer than the inhale, which signals to your body that you are safe. After taking several deep belly breaths, say out loud to yourself: “Right now, in this moment, I am safe. I am okay. This anxiety is temporary and will pass. I can handle this.” Commit to doing this (or any other) somatic exercise at least once per day no matter what, and you can use it even more often on days where you have heightened anxiety. Over time, it will teach your body how to come out of fight or flight and regulate your anxious nervous system on your own.
I would also encourage you to spend the time on a break from your boyfriend to reconnect and take care of yourself. Each day, ask yourself the following questions: How do I feel and what do I need right now? Identify at least one emotion without judgment and find one small way you can nurture and support yourself. It can involve taking a walk, calling a friend, reading a good book, making yourself a cup of your favorite tea, etc. Doing this daily check-in will help you to learn more about yourself and trust that you have your own back. Nurture and soothe yourself through loving acts of self-care. Speak to and treat yourself like your boyfriend would, thus reinforcing that you can be your own best friend and treat yourself with the love and compassion that he gives you. And identify and prioritize activities that bring you joy, especially ones that you can do either by yourself or with friends.
My last suggestion involves learning more about inner child healing and reparenting work. I have some resources on this topic on my website and social media pages, and I also have an upcoming workshop on August 17th if you’re interested. Reparenting enables us to heal from childhood wounds, develop radical self-love and confidence, and become our own best friend and cheerleader. I believe this work benefits everyone, but especially those who have patterns that they struggle to break and that continue to affect their relationships with others in adulthood. I hope all of these ideas are helpful and I wish you the best of luck!
To check out my codependency resources, check out my store here. And for more information on my upcoming live inner child workshop, check out the following link here.
