Lo’s Prose
In these regular blog posts, I will share musings, insight, and strategies to help you set boundaries, speak up for your needs, and create healthy relationships with others in your life. Learn to show up for yourself with curiosity, compassion, and kindness as you become your own cheerleader, best friend, and most loving parent! Happy reading :)
Ask Lo Q&A
Dear Lo,
I purchased the Inner Child webinar and loved it. I have the following questions:
1. Do the exercises (photograph, letter writing, etc. ) need to be done in any particular order or can I pick any to begin?
2. Can the letter to my inner child (IC) be written immediately, even before I start the daily 30 second check-in to get to know my IC?
3. I recently did some IC work for a particular situation. I sat with myself, tried to talk to my IC, and asked what she felt about this situation. And I believe I got an answer from her. How do I know if that was my IC or just my adult self? It was only the second time I tried to connect with my IC.
Thank you!
Ask Lo Q&A
Dear Lo,
I’ve been in a relationship with the same person off-and-on for the past 3 years now. Throughout our time together, there have been 3 times that he emotionally cheated on me, which really hurt my trust and self-esteem. Also in the beginning, things were perfect and then over time, he slowly started doing less and less. He wouldn’t treat me poorly, just not as good as before. I felt needy and ungrateful for being upset by this change.
We broke up for a bit last year and then got back together this January. He’s someone who has worked hard to re-gain my trust and build back with me. But he’s slowly stopped doing the same things as before like bringing me little surprises and writing me long good morning texts. We work together and it gets hard because I see him talking to our other girl coworkers and this really makes me angry. I tried talking to him about that, but he’s someone who is outgoing and likes to talk to others so he doesn’t want to stray from his morals. I just want to be able to deal with all of this in a healthy way that isn’t taking it out on him or controlling him.
I get really anxious that he’ll get feelings for someone else again or that he’s never going to treat me like he did in the beginning. It makes me put him first before myself to the point where I basically only live for him. When I get anxious, I feel crippled - I can’t eat or get out of my room or do anything for myself. I’s frustrating and makes me feel so bad about myself. He’s doing his best to meet all my needs, but I can tell it’s starting to drain him and it’s making me panic. I feel like I am not enough and that I have to be perfect. I feel like I just want to fix and control and perfect our relationship all the time. Everything makes me anxious and I just want to be happy and mentally healthy. I don’t know how to cope and I don’t know what to do.
Embracing an Authentic Life
As I reflect on how codependent tendencies show up in my daily life, I notice that sharing my full authentic self with others can still be a challenge for me. I have a tendency to keep the focus off myself, asking others questions about themselves and not providing many details about what is happening in my own life. I am so accustomed to caring what others think of me and wanting to present as the person who “has it all together,” especially because I am a mental health provider. In truth, no one has it together 24/7 because that is not realistic for humans going through the ups-and-downs of daily life. And I know that deep, genuine, and meaningful social connection occurs when we are vulnerable with one another. That is how we relate to others and feel less alone in this world.
Ask Lo Q&A
Dear Lo,
I want to start off by saying that I attended one of your webinars on codependency and it was a breath of fresh air. I recently had a huge heart-to-heart with my partner regarding how they think my mental state in this relationship is unhealthy…which hurts, obviously. I know that I do not have the healthy mindset and emotional awareness that my partner has, which he has worked on through his own journey. He said we are in two different spots, but there is always room for growth, right? He wants me to be my best self, love me for me, communicate my feelings more, and be more vulnerable. I spoke with my therapist regarding the antidepressant I am on, and how I feel like I am "blocked" 95% of the time regarding my emotions and reactions, which is very frustrating. I am still raw from this conversation with him. I don't want him to have resentment toward me and how I am trying to grow on my journey and take the necessary steps. I am worried that he won't see the effort. He wants me to be happy and express my needs and wants, but I am afraid he'll get tired of waiting for me to become "healthy" in my journey. How do I cope with these anxieties?
Celebrating Mothers
As Mother’s Day approaches, I wanted to take this opportunity to celebrate ALL types of maternal relationships - moms, step moms, chosen moms, grandmothers, new moms, adoptive moms, grieving moms, pet moms, single moms, those people who miss their mothers, those with a painful and/or strained relationship with their mom, and those longing to be a mom themselves. I truly honor, respect, and celebrate all of you! I know this holiday can bring up a lot of intense, overwhelming, and even unexpected emotions for people. No matter your situation, please be sure to treat yourself with extra kindness, compassion, and love as Sunday approaches. YOU deserve it that day and everyday!
Fear of Abandonment
When I share about overcoming codependency, people pleasing, and perfectionism, people often respond with concerns that making these changes will lead to them being disliked, rejected, and even abandoned. If I ask my partner for what I need, they might leave me. If I don’t agree to pick up a shift for my coworker, they might not want to be friends anymore. If I make a decision that my family doesn’t like, they may criticize and reject me.
Ask Lo Q&A
Dear Lo,
I just went through a break-up with my boyfriend that left me feeling blindsided. From the moment we met, we both felt a strong connection and we both knew that we were dating with the intention of getting married. We were together for a year and a half, and in that time, we spent almost every day together. He was living with me, and we started to build a life together. He changed careers so that he could have more time for us, we traveled, and started making long-term plans. I always felt that we had such a strong and loving relationship, and I felt like we both put a lot of effort into the relationship. Over this time, we had a handful of arguments where I got very mad, but he didn’t. Generally, I’m a much more emotional person than he is, and I even expressed to him at times that I wanted him to open up more. After the arguments, we talked about it, I apologized, and he always assured me that we were fine.
About 2 months passed after the last argument we had, and everything seemed great. We spent the holidays together and even vacationed out of the country with our families. But then last month, he suddenly asked me for space, saying that the arguments from the past hurt him and he couldn’t get past them. I felt blindsided and hurt because I had no idea he felt like this, and I told him that he should have talked to me about how he was really feeling. Still, I heard what he had to say, I apologized for hurting him, and we discussed what we could do to fix this issue. Things felt like they went back to normal and we both said we felt better after talking. However, a couple of weeks later, I went away for the weekend, and when I came back home, he had packed all of his things and told me he was breaking up with me because those arguments hurt him, and he was upset that I never brought up his request again for space. However, I know that I had suggested several ways that he could get some space from me if he felt he needed it, and I asked him multiple times to let me know how he was feeling. He said that each of these arguments left him feeling like a piece of him was gone and I had insecurities I needed to work through. I again told him that he should have talked to me, but he thinks that because I felt guilty for those arguments that that should have prompted me to bring it up and talk to him about them.
I truly had no idea that he felt like this, and it hurts me that he would think I would ever purposely ignore or dismiss his feelings. He also said multiple times during the breakup how much he loved me, and because of that, he brushed these arguments under the rug. But now I’m left feeling so guilty, wishing that I would have never gotten mad in the first place. I feel like everything is my fault although I feel that I always tried my best to be the best girlfriend I could be. With everything that we had been through together, I truly felt that we had a stronger relationship than this and that he would be able to see that our relationship was mostly happy and good, aside from these arguments. Was this all my fault? Should I feel this guilty?
Ask Lo Q&A
Hi Lo,
I am a people-pleaser with those with whom I share an emotional connection with, especially romantic interests. Any kind of conflict with someone I'm emotionally connected to will lead to abandonment anxiety. So I need to be a people-pleaser to not only avoid her possibly departing out of my life, but also so that she can see me as perfect and someone she'd want in her life. If I'm not perfect in her eyes, she probably won't want me.
I really need help overcoming this so that I'm able to establish a healthy relationship without any abandonment anxiety, without being a people-pleaser, and with healthy boundaries. I have my therapist helping me through this as well, which I'm very thankful for. And I watched your presentation on Better Help on this topic. Thank you!
~Gabriel
Spring Journal Prompts
While spring may seem far away for those of us living in the Northeast, March is often the time when our thoughts shift toward more sunshine, longer days, birds singing, and flowers blooming. After a long winter of staying indoors, turning inward for reflection, and focusing on warmth and comfort, we are often excited to return to the outside world with renewed energy, joy, and purpose. We engage in spring cleaning at home, doing extra projects to help our living spaces feel fresh and rejuvenated. I’d also like to invite you to do an internal spring cleaning to clear the clutter in your mind and realign with your values and goals.
Ask Lo Q&A
Dear Lo,
I am codependent on everyone around me. I have taken up the persona of being the class clown or always having a joke ready to make people laugh. And that feels like me. I feel like I enjoy it, but now I know that that is me seeking validation of being funny and therefore, a fun person from the audience. Do I need to change that part of me? How do I identify it AS me?
~Alexis
Ask Lo Q&A
Dear Lo,
I was recently on the path to graduate college and get a full-time job with a company that I have been working part-time for all four years of college. However, due to a rash decision that I made, I am no longer on track to graduate this semester and I lost my relationship with the company that I worked for previously. I feel like I cannot trust myself to make decisions anymore, and I constantly find myself thinking about the past when I had it all. I developed severe anxiety and depression as a result of the events that happened, and I constantly catastrophize everything in my life. What can I do to get better?
~Anonymous
Cultivating Acceptance
In the past, I spent a lot of time dwelling on what I wished could be and how I thought things should be. In struggling to acknowledge and accept what is, I often sacrificed my peace and presence in favor of resistance and future-tripping. The most obvious example came in my relationships with others. I often saw the potential in a person or situation, choosing to focus on how things could change for the better. While being forward-thinking can be beneficial in some ways, it also prevents us from realizing the truth of what is currently in front of us. I gave away a lot of my power because I was trying to control things that I could not.
Ask Lo Q&A
Dear Lo,
I am normally an interdependent person, but in my relationship, I found it was much harder. How do you talk to someone who wants you to be codependent on them and believes this is the goal to a successful relationship? How do you explain the importance of interdependence?
~STEFN
End of Year Reflection
As this year draws to a close, I want to take a moment to celebrate YOU. Why you ask? Because you have done incredible things throughout this past year. Big things, little things, hard things, easy things, surprising things, and things that have led you to being the amazing person that you are in this moment now. I’m proud of you and have truly enjoyed being part of your journey throughout the past year. And you should be proud of you too! To help you tune into and recognize your success, I’d encourage you to look over these journal prompts and consider them. If you do nothing else, I invite you to identify 2-3 things that you did well this year or that you’re proud of – doesn’t matter if they are big or small. They are all an important part of our journey and they’re all worth celebrating. Happy New Year!
Holiday Survival Guide
The holiday season and end of the calendar year can bring with it a lot of joy, fun, excitement, and tradition. However, it can also be a time of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion, especially for those of us who are parents and caregivers. We often believe we need to show up at every event, clean and decorate our homes, bake treats, cook big meals, buy a lot of gifts, and have endless energy and enthusiasm. My goal today is to normalize the presence and intensity of these overwhelming emotions AND share some tips on how to take care of yourself in these next few weeks (and beyond!).
Holiday Reflections
While the winter and holiday season can be a time of joy and excitement, it can also be a source of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion for many. The pressure to please and make everyone happy can be compounded by our own grief and loss, nostalgia for past memories, health issues, and concerns about the uncertainty of the world right now.
Despite the pressures, I strongly encourage you to prioritize your wellbeing over the holidays, especially if you are someone who tends to neglect yourself, push through, and over-function at this time of year. Here are some questions to reflect upon as we dive into the busy month of December and finish out 2022.
Ask Lo Q&A
Dear Lo,
I watched one of your boundaries webinars, and I need some help with those for emotional, mental, and financial. I’m not sure how or where to start with setting boundaries in my marriage of 10 years.
My husband broke my trust. I tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't want to talk. I told him I want to work on our marriage, and he has ignored all of my ideas. We don't even hug or show any affection anymore. What kinds of boundaries can I even set?
I work full time from home, but had to take a huge pay cut so I pick up side jobs to make ends meet. He has a high-stress full time job. Even though we both work full time, most of the household responsibilities fall on me. He is also maxing out our credit cards and gets frustrated when I try to set up a budget.
So he won't work on our marriage, he helps out very little around the house, and we can barely make all our bills each month. I feel stuck and not sure where to even start with setting boundaries.
~Anonymous
Ask Lo Q&A
Dear Lo,
I have a question from your boundaries webinar about stating the consequence. When I am setting my boundaries, should I tell the person what would happen if they decide to disrespect the boundary again in the future?
~Oluwadara
Welcome to Fall!
Fall has arrived....at least for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere :) Here in Pennsylvania, the leaves are starting to change, it’s getting darker earlier in the evening, and there is a chill in the air. I like to periodically utilize journal prompts for reflection, especially when a change in seasons occurs. Regardless of where you're located, it can be helpful to check in with ourselves every so often, examining how far we've come and where we'd like to go moving forward.
Managing Our Relationship Expectations
Explore the ways in which your relationship expectations may be leading you to feel hurt, stuck, angry, and resentful. And discover how to manage your expectations to create satisfying, fulfilling relationships with others in all parts of life. Read on for more details!
Ask Lo!
Do you have a question for me? Feel free to ask about any mental health or personal growth topic here. You can either provide your first name or write “anonymous,” keeping in mind that your question will be posted on this page. Just type your question in the box below and check back soon to read my answer!