As humans, we have a tendency to produce thought errors, which are faulty thought patterns that cause us to view reality in negative, inaccurate ways. Our brains often utilize thought errors as a defense mechanism, enabling us to predict dangerous situations ahead of time and thus, protect ourselves from any perceived harm. However, when these negative thought patterns become our norm, they can lead to increased anxiety, depression, low self-worth, and relationship difficulties. In this article, we'll examine a common codependent thought error known as personalization. This type of thinking tends to show up frequently when we seek external validation, worry about what others think of us, and are overly focused on others' thoughts, emotions, opinions, and reactions.
Personalization involves taking things personally when they are not connected to or caused by us in any way. We automatically assume that we are to blame for circumstances or outcomes that we had no control over or are not our fault. Personalization usually involves negative thinking and guilt, blame, and shame toward the self. Some examples include: assuming we did something wrong when the store clerk isn't friendly toward us, stressing out when a friend doesn't text us back right away, feeling guilty when someone doesn't have a good time at our event, and believing that we are being intentionally isolated when others interact without us. Can you relate to any of these situations or other similar ones?
Those of us with codependent tendencies are often referred to as sensitive, emotional, or dramatic because we focus so heavily on what others think of us and take responsibility for the emotional states of those around us. We make negative assumptions, which leads us to feel anxious, on edge, and drained over time. This catastrophic thinking prompts us to ruminate, over-apologize, beat ourselves up, and even lash out at others when we feel hurt. We become offended quite easily and use these situations as further proof that we are not worthy or lovable. This behavior may cause people in our lives to walk on eggshells not to upset us, worrying that we will automatically assume the worst and take things personally. And that dynamic creates tension and stress in our relationships with others.
So how do we challenge personalization when it shows up for us in daily life? Awareness is always the first step. With knowledge about personalization, we can practice noticing and identifying when our brains start to engage in this thought error. When you catch yourself, pause, take a deep breath, and treat yourself with compassion, recognizing that personalization is a very common habitual thought that has kept you emotionally safe in the past. Next, I encourage you to examine the evidence before making the assumption that something is your fault or even about you at all. With curiosity, consider the facts and only allow yourself to look at what you KNOW for sure. If someone doesn't text you back in a certain period of time, that is the only current factual information that you possess. You don't know when or if they saw the message, how they are feeling, or why they did not respond yet.
After distinguishing facts from assumptions, examine other possible explanations for the situation. We often engage in rigid all-or-nothing thinking, another thought error in which we believe there is only one explanation rather than recognizing the wide range of possibilities. If a friend hasn't texted you back, maybe their phone broke, they left it in another room, they are asleep or sick, they are really busy at work, or they are still considering how to respond. Notice that none of these other equally plausible options are your fault or even about you at all! Expanding our view to include a wide range of possibilities can be very liberating and allow us to slow down and breathe. Acknowledge any uncomfortable emotions that arise and engage in an activity to calm your nervous system - movement, music, somatic practices, breathwork, meditation, being in nature, etc.
Finally, if you tend to assume responsibility over a situation or outcome, check in with yourself about how much control you actually had. Are you unnecessarily taking the blame out of habit and a sense that you are a burden to others? Remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to manage other people's emotions, reactions, or life situations. We cannot control anyone but ourselves. If, in reflection, you still believe you may have done something wrong, ask that person directly. However, it is important to trust and believe their response if they tell you their behavior isn't about you. We can only go by what someone chooses to share with us, and it is their job to let us know when we have upset them. All in all, the most important factors here are awareness and compassion for self and others. With this knowledge and attitude, we can begin making small shifts in our ways of responding to thought errors when they inevitably show up. If you have ever experienced personalization, feel free to share in the comments below! What has worked for you to overcome this thought error?
