Dear Lo,

During childhood, my mom would purposely stonewall me whenever she was upset with me. If I failed to abide by her standards, expectations or rules, it usually resulted in stonewalling. She emotionally abandoned me as her way of basically saying "I don't want to talk to you or acknowledge you because you've upset me." She would purposely ignore my needs and emotions because I upset her. I would feel scared to tell her anything with the fear that she would either continue to ignore me or unintentionally anger her some more. "Ugh... WHAT!!" or ".......WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" would be her responses if I was lucky enough to her to say anything. I was scared to talk to her. There was really nothing I could to revert her back to normal other than just ride the tide and hope she'd revert back to normal, even if I was there crying my eyes out because I upset her or just wanted her attention again. She just didn't care because I upset her. She emotionally abandoned me because I depended on her for basic needs, hence, the likelihood of my survival was greatly at stake. Her love had to be earned back. How? By over-loving her. Sometimes it worked. Other times, it didn't. And if it didn't, it usually intensified the negative emotions. Her "love" was conditional. However, there were also times where I felt her love was unconditional. It was freely given to me and I didn't have to do anything to feel her love. I felt safe, loved and acknowledged. Cool! This inconsistency childhood love by my mom, however, has set me up for what I am experiencing today.